May 7 – Email from Caitlin

An old friend sent a newly-discovered email exchange he had with Caitlin during her last spring on this planet, when she was alive like we all are alive, and thinking of the future, like we all think of the future, and considering what to do with her life, post-transplant. Public health? Law? Philosophy? Maybe all 3.

Joe is an attorney who, Caitlin had learned, had majored in philosophy as an undergrad. He is also an extremely lovely soul who had recently lost a son. I have his permission to share.

From: Caitlin Elizabeth O’Hara
Sent: Friday, April 08, 2016 4:27 PM
Subject: Many things

So so nice to hear from you, and such a lovely note. My dad mentions you all the time — he loves you so much. He has always told me you are asking for me, which is very kind. I am so glad to hear from you myself.

Oh my god, that game! You must’ve been freaking out. I couldn’t believe it. The first 3 pointer was WOW enough, more like OH NO….then when Villanova got it on the buzzer, it was like a movie….. to good to be true, but it was true! I do love things like that. Maybe its silly, but they make me believe that unbelievable things can happen…in any part of life, whether its a basketball game…or my own precarious situation 🙂

Thank you for sharing that about Matthew’s gift of life. It is really wonderful to hear that at such an unimaginably difficult time you were able to foresee that someone else could benefit from your loss. It is selfless, heartwarming, and encouraging to hear.

It is a very complicated thing, to think and know that someone else has to die for me to get this opportunity. I have discussed it with some of my friends whom I know that have already had transplants….everybody has a complicated relationship with the idea. At least the people that I know, though, feel an incredible bond of gratitude to those who saved them, everyday. Every single thing that they do, they do with their donor in mind. Two friends of mine learn or participate in a new activity, a new goal, every year in honor of their donor….whether it’s skiing, or running a race. For one woman, even after 9 years it never stops being an emotional ride.

That is as it should be though…we can use all the love and open emotion we can get in the world.

I didn’t know that you were into Philosophy as an undergrad. So was I, and in my 20s I applied to two graduate programs in philosophy in Boston – at BU and at Tufts. I got in, but…ultimately didn’t go. I had also applied previously to art history MA programs, and then didn’t go. Nothing has ever felt like the right thing to spend 80 grand on.

I suppose a lot of my 20s were spent halfheartedly stuck…knowing in the back of my mind that transplant would come, and not feeling like I knew what I was supposed to really DO to start my life until I got through that. I still am not sure what I want to do, exactly, but I have a much more focused idea of what I don’t want. Perhaps more importantly, I don’t feel that paralysis anymore. I’m just ready to begin and enjoy the moment.

So maybe it will be law school. Whatever it is I plan on pursuing a degree when I am back in Boston. I don’t know when that will be. The Prouty Garden played a part in my thinking about it, but so have a few other things. My interest in health care, and also a more general understanding of what I am good at combined with what I find interesting….I think these things take most people a lot longer than college to figure out! At 20, a law degree or an MPH would have seemed like the complete opposite of anything I would ever do. At that point, I didn’t have a sense at all that there was a difference between, say, liking art, and literature, and actually being good at making and enjoying a career of it.

I think a lot of that had to do, too, with being female…being pegged as “artsy” before I could realize I wasn’t. Once I got involved in art..galleries..writing…I realized the career world of those interests is completely antithetical to my interest in directly working with humanity.

I also couldn’t imagine a job that didn’t change a lot, involve direct interaction and impact on people…and afford me some autonomy.

I am planning to wait until I am home and after transplant to apply to a program in MA or maybe Maine (where my boyfriend is from). I would love to hear more about your choice to go to law school. My dad mentioned that you didn’t go right out of school – not until you were in your 30s – so you’d have been like me. The amount of reading — I hear that it’s monumental. And writing. I haven’t really done that kind of reading and writing in my life yet….so I don’t know how I’ll find it. I’d be less intimidated by a PhD program in literature at Harvard than I would be by a JD program, because I am used to reading fiction and writing those kind of critiques.

There is so much I don’t know. I’m just hoping I can use this down time to prepare as best I can for a potential grad degree. I am actually taking a free online course (it’s very easy) on the basics of American Law. There are short lectures, supplemental readings, and terms to learn. It’s very simple but a good thing to get my brain started on thinking about it. Every week is a new area (so far I’ve done Tort law, Contract law, and Property law), and each one I actually really like and want to learn more about, in a nerdy way.

Oh – one other thing – my boyfriend — he originally was planning on going to law school when I met him, then deferred. Now he may not. So he actually put the seed in my brain. I bought him some prep books and then I started reading them a few years ago…..and it’s kind of been nagging at me since. He also loves basketball…by the way. Obsession level. 🙂

So much love, and thank you again for such a thoughtful note.

xx

Caitlin

December 20 -We have the power

Caitlin left this earthly plane seven years ago. Seven years is impossible, as was two, as will be twenty.

What endures: her wisdom, her words, the good she continues to inspire.

The Caitlin O’Hara Community Health Clinic is saving lives. The Leo Project community programs are thriving, as is Jess – who just finished her first semester of her MPH program at Harvard, whilst also running the show in Kenya. 👏🏼 !

Nick is working on stone installations in her memory -hopefully to be shared with you in 2024.

I committed to returning to the novel I was writing during the transplant wait. I finished and plan to dedicate it to her memory. (She was its first reader, its best editor, and a fan. 🙂 )

During the years of that wait, when I often only had the time to write for 30 precious minutes a day, it was easy for writing to feel futile. Pointless. But one day I received a letter. It was from a reader of Cascade who, after finishing it, was moved to quit her job and commit to the painting career she’d dreamed of for years. Never underestimate the power of your art to change lives, she wrote. That letter kept me going during some dark times.

It’s easy to underestimate the positive influence each of us has on others, often without ever knowing about it. It’s a hard time on this planet right now but we can all do what feels good and right. I’ll leave us with Caitlin’s powerful last message:

“There is so much suffering in the world … so much. My belief though at least is – the world was not meant to always be fair or fun or easy. The world is teeming with life, and death, and pain, and Donald Trump even haha. We just have to keep living. Step back. We are just tiny beings. There are lobsters living at the bottom of the ocean for over a hundred years. They have just been sitting down there through all of our lives and wars and lives before us. We aren’t that much different from lobsters really if you pull back a little. All part of this teeming painful wonderful world where so much is just luck. But we can choose to be kind, and to keep trying — we have the power.”

Peace on earth, goodwill to all.

Maryanne ♥️

July 31 — A bomb in Paris triggered superstition, then acceptance of her situation. Words from Caitlin on her birthday 🌟

We are on Martha’s Vineyard, and today is Caitlin’s birthday. I’m reminded of another birthday of hers spent here, the year she turned 12. It was the terrible year of lung surgeries and months-long inpatient recoveries. But that summer, we received a two-week respite from the hospital, and the respite was spent here. Those weeks return to me in images that feel other-worldly, suspended in time, magical. Riding the Flying Horses carousel in Oak Bluffs, spending hours on State Beach reading The Stone Diaries, a book that would later become a lifelong favorite of Caitlin’s, buying boxes of Murdick’s Fudge. Hearing news of a bombing in Paris that shocked us and caused us to wonder whether life really did unfold for a reason.

Caitlin wrote about that year and its Paris connection in an essay when she was a college sophomore. I’ll let her take over:

July 19 – Look back and pick out one thing

Jess and I were looking through old writings to find one of Caitlin’s wise nuggets for a quote on a wall mural she’s creating in Kenya. I found this in an old email she wrote to me. It’s a good practice, and thought I’d share: “I always look back on each year and pick out one thing I learned. Being able to self-reflect and change yourself…what a cool quality.”

Encouraging self-reflection is a big part of the talks that I give. Recently, I’ve had the chance to do some speaking in person, as opposed to Zoom events where I cannot see or sense the audience. The experience of seeing real people, and interacting with them, has been incredibly meaningful. Powerful. Virtual is handy, though, and I will be doing one more Zoom event this summer – tomorrow, Wednesday, July 20 at 7pm ET.

–-> Click here to register <–

May 20 – Ruminations on yesterday’s birthday (bionic text)

The other day, somebody ( I want to say Dani Shapiro ) posted a quote by Renata Adler:

“Self-pity” is just sadness, I think, in the pejorative.”

March 15 – only Now ֎

Recently, I had the uncanny experience of sending a friend of Caitlin’s a rare gift – a baby present that Caitlin had purchased in Bruges in 2011, in the event that this friend ever had a little boy. Mieke recently gave birth to a son and what a pleasure, to send that tiny Dutch knitted hat.

I’ve also found a few letters Caitlin addressed but never mailed, and to stamp and send them was like watching my hand reach through the veil.

July 16 – Magic Caitlin

It’s a wondrous thing to create a child, send her out into the world, and see what happens. Caitlin’s life influenced many others and over the years, especially the last few, it’s been heartening to learn how. One friend from her high school days is an artist and a few months ago, told me she had begun working on a painting of Caitlin.

Kat David is humble. Last weekend she sent me the painting. “I hope you like it,” she wrote. Like it? It’s magnificent. I was so enthralled that I decided it needed an unveiling, so this post is the official unveiling of MAGIC CAITLIN.

Kat wrote: I am so glad you like it ❣️ The dandelion is supposed to be how her energy traveled and impacted so many people. The animals staring directly at the viewer are meant to convey some of her intensity. I tried to hide stuff throughout. The hearts were for your husband and his creative work and the book was how you and she share a love of writing and deeper meaning. I’m often reluctant to tell people what something I make means since I want people to see what is significant for them, like I want it to be subjective to the viewer. But in this case, I want you two to know there was deliberate meaning. Your family has magic so I wanted that to be shown. The book – the hearts and Caitlin are connected through touch and contact.

I had to ask Kat to please sign it (! – I said she was humble) and I also asked how she did it, because I knew people would be curious. She writes: Yes, it’s a digital painting. I made it using the procreate app on iPad. I use mostly oil painting brush packs and pastels. Some pencil brush packs.

To see more of her amazing work captured in-process, click here: Drawing a Shiny Pitcher

SINCE WE’RE HERE:

In other news, the amazing Jess is home taking the Global Health Delivery Intensive program at Harvard’s school of public health, and then scoots back to Kenya where she is overseeing the drilling of a borehole to provide the Nanyuki community with fresh water, and to begin construction on The Caitlin O’Hara Community Health Clinic.

Katie is home from Spain for the summer. Her translation career is exploding and her newest, a gorgeous novel by Javier Serena about a fictionalized Roberto Bolaño–esque writer, just received a Publisher’s Weekly starred review. The book is LAST WORDS ON EARTH, coming in September from OPEN LETTER Books.

Sinead got married yesterday and I’m heartbroken we had to cancel our trip but the quarantine rules are still strict – 12 days in a state-mandated fleabag hotel. I won’t publish any photos because I’m sure she wants to be first. Follow her on Instagram: sineaddehora

I saw Andrew in Maine a few weeks ago and it was a wonderful visit.

Medicine Needs Memoir – Our first talk is open to the public and is – surprise – on Caitlin’s birthday. Saturday, July 31 at 5:30ET

With Diane Shader Smith, speaking on behalf of her daughter Mallory Smith, author of SALT IN MY SOUL: An Unfinished Life, and David Weill, MD, author of EXHALE: Hope, Healing, and a Life in Transplant.

Anyone can attend. Click here to sign up: Register

MESSAGES

I’ve been getting a lot of wonderful notes from people and they come as instant messages, direct messages on all different platforms, and emails (I have way too many email addresses) – I’ve tried to respond to all but I fear I’ve missed some. My apologies if I have. Getting feedback means the world to me. I’m grateful for every word.

BOOK SALES

My writer friends and I laugh about the fact that the general public seems to think that once a book is published, it’s a bestseller. I can assure you this is not true. If you’ve been meaning to order LITTLE MATCHES or gift a copy to someone, please be my guest. This book can have a long life but we live in a noisy world and this book needs word-of-mouth. THANK YOU.

Mother’s day – “Everybody has some kind of….”

This morning, Nick and I were talking about the fact that some people seem to be afraid to read Little Matches when a friend sent me a message:

I hadn’t yet started LITTLE MATCHES because a friend’s son is dying of cancer, and I didn’t think I had the emotional capacity. Last night, however, your book seemed to be calling. I began reading and was hit with wave upon wave of warmth and light. I’m just getting started, but I wanted you to know what comfort LITTLE MATCHES provides.

I have been receiving a lot of messages, and some of them are by people who are surprised to find that Little Matches is comforting and inspiring. Please know that I didn’t write the book to share misery, but to share the beauty and mystery of living and loving.

I think I’ll post a few anonymous snippets of messages I’ve received. And below I will re-publish Caitlin’s wonderful Mother’s Day post of 2015. Her words are reminders that “everybody has some kind of pain, as well as some kind of good in their life, and that none of this is a contest.”

I am certain this book will continue to ignite people’s souls on so many levels as it has done mine. I think love is making yourself known. On that, you have shared yourself and, just as importantly, Caitlin with the world which, to me, is love. It is a selfless act to share all of these stories and many will be the better for reading your words. Caitlin not only was a deep thinker but zippy and full of sparkles!

Just finished Little Matches. Wow. Is it weird that I feel like I’m in an altered state after reading it? Maryanne has a remarkable ability to make me feel like I was somehow part of it all. It seemed so vivid, so familiar. The grief is so tangible, even though I didn’t know Caitlin. I’m still processing, but what’s coming through for me most right now is gratitude that I got to share in the beauty and wonder of Caitlin’s life.

I just finished your book. I follow your blog, but this put it so much more in perspective. Choose faith, today and always. Thank you for that reminder and for framing it not in a religious context, but one that we can all use every day.

Last night I was thinking how glad I am for this book because like – this huge thing happened, Caitlin, and I was a tiny piece of it but it changed my life and my whole outlook on life, and I can’t explain it to people, the bigness of it, of her. And the book just does it. You feel the bigness on every page.

I don’t normally write to authors, but felt compelled to share this story with you, after seeing you last night in conversation about your book. Thank you for sharing your story and your daughter with the world. My work with older people keeps my eye on the brevity of our living, even if we reach 100. I share your conviction and Caitlin’s, loving people and human connection is what matters most, that endures beyond all constructs of space and time. I hope you don’t mind that I shared this with you. Your story and writing are inspiring.

I wanted to write you and let you know I stayed up most of the night reading your gorgeous and heartbreaking and hopeful book, Little Matches. First of all, I wanted to thank you for writing such an amazing book. Your words are so beautiful —and so important. Thank you for sharing them with the world.

9LivesNotes

Our Cat has Nine Lives

Mostly Companion, written by Caitlin

At some point when I was little, my mom and I started referring to one another as our “mostly companion.” It probably grew out of the time I was having surgery when I was 11, and was in the hospital a lot. We would get overly tired, stressed, and…really silly. We were absurdly often at our funniest when things were worst. I guess that is common for people in trying health situations, and it’s a nice silver lining. The other day, in the hospital while I tried to eat lunch, my mom put on quite a show of impressions and we were laughing so hard. The game was to do one small word, look or movement from a movie…not a whole line. Her imitation of Salieri yelling “MOZART!!!” from Amadeus was the best…she has an incredible man-voice that she harnesses from deep within. Oh my goodness, maybe you had to be there.

I don’t write much on the blog, but today is the day to do it. For those of you who know us well, I am so close to my mom that it sometimes terrifies me. Maybe it terrifies her too. I know how lucky I am to have a mom like her, and parents like mine, and our situation — my situation — has made our link stronger, and sometimes that’s scary. We both know that there will be a time, hopefully, strangely, where I am well again and we live apart like typical adult mother and daughter, and we will look back on this time with nostalgia. Right now we are suspended, and we do puzzles together and watch Mad Men and she gives me leg massages, and everything, good or bad, is heightened. Everything makes me cry these days, good things more often than bad — so there’s a lot of appreciating that goes on. But its also draining, exhausting. Living in the moment is a good adage, but like anything, there can be too much of it.

My mom is doing everything for me, she has uprooted herself. My dad is living alone in MA when he is not here, and I know its hard for him in a way I can’t imagine. Andrew is back and forth as well. Here since December though, non-stop, has been my mom. She cooks, does the laundry, listens to me, sits with me in the ER, in the hospital…she even feeds Henry homemade food that she makes herself. Here in Pittsburgh, where she knew no one, she has made friends and found interesting things to do, always finding something to be enthusiastic about. Even writing this now is making me want to be more like her, and I feel even more thankful just putting it into words.

She has somehow found time to write everyday, and has since July 1st, circling the date in red when she is done — she has remarkable follow-through with things. It has taken me over 2 months to gain 4 pounds, and I WOULD NOT have been able to do it without her. When you get evaluated for transplant, part of the evaluation is making sure you have a good support system, because it is so vital to how well you do. This might seem hard to grasp to a healthy person who thinks that ultimately, you can get through anything on your own if you really have to. I am telling you – haha – you can’t. You need people, and I wouldn’t be here without her.

I am also aware on a day like today how hard it must be for some people, who have to be painfully reminded each May that they don’t, for whatever reason, have that relationship. It reminds me again that everybody has some kind of pain, as well as some kind of good in their life, and that none of this is a contest. As hard as it is being sick and being here, my mostly companion and I are having some laughs. There’s probably a lot of people out there with great lungs, and no mummy. Everybody is just trying.

As it usually is when you love someone so much you can’t put it into words, everything I have written here feels inadequate. But most of you already know what a great mummy she is, I am just here to tell you …that she is even better than that, and that I love her so so so much.

happy mother’s day!

–Caitlin

MAY 3 – One spark at a time

I asked some of Caitlin’s friends if they would want to write up a little something that I could put on my website. Here, Kenley describes Caitlin as only a lifelong best friend from childhood can.

Someone recently asked me how I thought Caitlin might feel about Little Matches being out in the world. I know how she would feel. Her face on a few thousand book covers? Her picture in a few million copies of People Magazine? The girl who wore short skirts to chapel would love all that, for sure. Even more, the soulful Caitlin would love the fact that I’m hearing from people who’ve “stayed up all night reading it” and who are feeling comforted and better about life because of it. It is my dearest wish that Little Matches will inspire readers to think deeply about life and purpose and what’s really important at the end of the day, and it seems it is doing just that.

Hundreds of new books flood this noisy world every Tuesday and Little Matches has been out for two weeks now. People Magazine is wonderful and I’m grateful for it, but a new issue will replace it any day. I REALLY need to spread the word about this book, so I’d be incredibly grateful if everyone who reads this post shared it with at least one other person who might benefit from reading Little Matches.

Events are still virtual and I’m happy to be able to do them, but it is strange to have no idea who is out there, and then to be sitting alone at my desk when they are done. Thanks to all who’ve tuned in so far, and let me know that they did. I will be talking with Jessica Keener at Belmont Books on Thursday night at 7pmET. Click right here to register and join us.

Here are the links to current articles – People mag, TIME mag, and LitHub

People Magazine Book of the Week, May 3, is Little Matches

TIME Magazine article I wrote about legacy work

The Salvific Power of Writing Through Terrible Grief – written by me for LitHub

I’D LOVE TO SEND A SIGNED AND STAMPED BOOKPLATE TO ANYONE WHO DONATES TO

THE CAITLIN O’HARA COMMUNITY HEALTH CLINIC

No donation is too small to help Jess build The Caitlin O’Hara Community Health Clinic in Kenya. She now has 501c3 status and has partnered with Build Health International to design the clinic. She has purchased land adjacent to the current community resource center, conducted topography reports and structural engineering assessments and will break ground this month. Boston Children’s Hospital, Brigham & Women’s Hospital and Harvard have signed on as strategic partners.

As a thank-you,I would love to send a bookplate that is signed by me and stamped with Caitlin’s “kitten” signature to anyone who would like to make a donation to this incredibly worthy cause. (You can email me at maryanneharaAuthor@gmail.com)

CLICK TO DONATE TO THE LEO PROJECT & GET A BOOKPLATE

The archival quality bookplate – goes anywhere you like inside the book

April 20 – Little matches 🔥

Hello to every wonderful human who has been with me here since December, 2016.

Your support sustained me, and encouraged me to write LITTLE MATCHES. And now… it is here. It is my greatest wish that it will inspire every reader to think deeply about life, and purpose, and about what’s really important at the end of the day.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to all who will read it, gift it, and celebrate it. With this book, Caitlin gets all of her 9 lives. ❤️

And can I just say….? That Little Matches is one of the most beautiful books I’ve ever held in my hands. Truly. The cover imagery glows and reflects light.

You are more than welcome to share this email, and news of LITTLE MATCHES, far and wide…. THANK YOU.

Little Matches, reflecting the light that was Caitlin

When you open your hardcover, you will see this beautiful montage.

BOOK SIGNINGS

After tomorrow night’s virtual Brookline Booksmith event, I will go to the store to sign and personalize books purchased through the event. In addition to my signature, I’ve had a stamp made of Caitlin’s tongue-in-cheek Kitten scribble signature.

I’m also planning to sign books at other local stores, and will be doing more local events at Belmont Books (MA), PRINT (Portland, ME), and Titcomb’s (Cape Cod). You can check my appearances calendar for more information. Events are being added all the time. Maryanne’s LITTLE MATCHES TALKS

VIRTUAL LAUNCH CELEBRATION – Wednesday, 7pmET

The virtual launch is tomorrow night. I do so hope that some of your faces will be out there, even if I can’t see them. As I mentioned in my last post, I would love it if attending guests would light a little candle in honor of Caitlin, their own loved ones, themselves–anyone who needs some honoring.

I will be in conversation with the brilliant and engaging Lily King.

You can sign up for free here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/maryanne-ohara-with-lily-king-little-matches-tickets-141989493397

TIME Magazine just published this essay I wrote about the value and beauty of legacy work — people’s stories.

I will be offering a few virtual legacy workshops at the end of May. Details will be available on my website.

“I want to reassure you I don’t take myself too seriously. I do take life seriously though, I’ll be honest … because it’s a seriously wild business.“
—Caitlin O’Hara

BREAKING NEWS FROM KENYA

JESS is delighted to announce that The Leo Project has partnered with Build Health International to design The Caitlin O’Hara Community Health Clinic. Below is the finalized rendering of the clinic which will be situated adjacent to the existing Resource Center. They have purchased additional land, conducted topography reports and structural engineering assessments and, later this month, they are slated to break ground. Boston Children’s Hospital, Brigham & Women’s Hospital and Harvard have signed on as strategic partners.

Secondly, The Leo Project has achieved 501c3 status! They applied last May and finally received IRS approval. Tax-deductible donations can now be made directly to The Leo Project.

Category: Writing Through Tragedy