An old friend sent a newly-discovered email exchange he had with Caitlin during her last spring on this planet, when she was alive like we all are alive, and thinking of the future, like we all think of the future, and considering what to do with her life, post-transplant. Public health? Law? Philosophy? Maybe all 3.
Joe is an attorney who, Caitlin had learned, had majored in philosophy as an undergrad. He is also an extremely lovely soul who had recently lost a son. I have his permission to share.
From: Caitlin Elizabeth O’Hara
Sent: Friday, April 08, 2016 4:27 PM
Subject: Many thingsSo so nice to hear from you, and such a lovely note. My dad mentions you all the time — he loves you so much. He has always told me you are asking for me, which is very kind. I am so glad to hear from you myself.
Oh my god, that game! You must’ve been freaking out. I couldn’t believe it. The first 3 pointer was WOW enough, more like OH NO….then when Villanova got it on the buzzer, it was like a movie….. to good to be true, but it was true! I do love things like that. Maybe its silly, but they make me believe that unbelievable things can happen…in any part of life, whether its a basketball game…or my own precarious situation 🙂
Thank you for sharing that about Matthew’s gift of life. It is really wonderful to hear that at such an unimaginably difficult time you were able to foresee that someone else could benefit from your loss. It is selfless, heartwarming, and encouraging to hear.
It is a very complicated thing, to think and know that someone else has to die for me to get this opportunity. I have discussed it with some of my friends whom I know that have already had transplants….everybody has a complicated relationship with the idea. At least the people that I know, though, feel an incredible bond of gratitude to those who saved them, everyday. Every single thing that they do, they do with their donor in mind. Two friends of mine learn or participate in a new activity, a new goal, every year in honor of their donor….whether it’s skiing, or running a race. For one woman, even after 9 years it never stops being an emotional ride.
That is as it should be though…we can use all the love and open emotion we can get in the world.
I didn’t know that you were into Philosophy as an undergrad. So was I, and in my 20s I applied to two graduate programs in philosophy in Boston – at BU and at Tufts. I got in, but…ultimately didn’t go. I had also applied previously to art history MA programs, and then didn’t go. Nothing has ever felt like the right thing to spend 80 grand on.
I suppose a lot of my 20s were spent halfheartedly stuck…knowing in the back of my mind that transplant would come, and not feeling like I knew what I was supposed to really DO to start my life until I got through that. I still am not sure what I want to do, exactly, but I have a much more focused idea of what I don’t want. Perhaps more importantly, I don’t feel that paralysis anymore. I’m just ready to begin and enjoy the moment.
So maybe it will be law school. Whatever it is I plan on pursuing a degree when I am back in Boston. I don’t know when that will be. The Prouty Garden played a part in my thinking about it, but so have a few other things. My interest in health care, and also a more general understanding of what I am good at combined with what I find interesting….I think these things take most people a lot longer than college to figure out! At 20, a law degree or an MPH would have seemed like the complete opposite of anything I would ever do. At that point, I didn’t have a sense at all that there was a difference between, say, liking art, and literature, and actually being good at making and enjoying a career of it.
I think a lot of that had to do, too, with being female…being pegged as “artsy” before I could realize I wasn’t. Once I got involved in art..galleries..writing…I realized the career world of those interests is completely antithetical to my interest in directly working with humanity.
I also couldn’t imagine a job that didn’t change a lot, involve direct interaction and impact on people…and afford me some autonomy.
I am planning to wait until I am home and after transplant to apply to a program in MA or maybe Maine (where my boyfriend is from). I would love to hear more about your choice to go to law school. My dad mentioned that you didn’t go right out of school – not until you were in your 30s – so you’d have been like me. The amount of reading — I hear that it’s monumental. And writing. I haven’t really done that kind of reading and writing in my life yet….so I don’t know how I’ll find it. I’d be less intimidated by a PhD program in literature at Harvard than I would be by a JD program, because I am used to reading fiction and writing those kind of critiques.
There is so much I don’t know. I’m just hoping I can use this down time to prepare as best I can for a potential grad degree. I am actually taking a free online course (it’s very easy) on the basics of American Law. There are short lectures, supplemental readings, and terms to learn. It’s very simple but a good thing to get my brain started on thinking about it. Every week is a new area (so far I’ve done Tort law, Contract law, and Property law), and each one I actually really like and want to learn more about, in a nerdy way.
Oh – one other thing – my boyfriend — he originally was planning on going to law school when I met him, then deferred. Now he may not. So he actually put the seed in my brain. I bought him some prep books and then I started reading them a few years ago…..and it’s kind of been nagging at me since. He also loves basketball…by the way. Obsession level. 🙂
So much love, and thank you again for such a thoughtful note.
xx
Caitlin