JANUARY 2–Blue Moon

It is a quiet house here tonight. Jess is on her way back to California. Andrew has gone home to Maine. It was a difficult day. We were going to go into the Boston apartment but never did make it out of the house. All I could do was flop from one surface to the next and cry. I mainly lay on the couch in the family room near Caitlin’s tree, TV tuned to a favorite movie, long-ago DVR’d, which Caitlin and I watched half of this past summer when we were home. The Remains of the Day. One of our favorite movies, one of my favorite books.

I let it play on from where we had left it in August, midpoint: all the melancholy of Mr. Stevens’ trip to the west country to try and reclaim all he had lost. The meeting, after 20 years, between Miss Kenton and Mr. Stevens is all about regret and the inability to change the past– ‘Blue Moon’ playing in the 1950s background, all that poignant, post-war sadness.

It reminded me that before Andrew left today, as he packed up his truck, he found a note from Caitlin in his glove compartment, a reminder for all:


Author: kittenupdates

I am the author of CASCADE and LITTLE MATCHES: A Memoir of Grief and Light

19 thoughts on “JANUARY 2–Blue Moon”

  1. Maryanne – I am so, so, so sorry. I think about you all constantly and I wish everyone who loved your daughter could help you feel better, but they can’t bring her back and I ache for you. I will continue to pray for your healing and strength – and that someday soon, light will drive out the darkness. I am humbled and thankful for your posts and that you share so openly. I just wish Caitlin was still here to have her “awfully big adventure”. Sending you warm, best wishes.

  2. Your loss is palpable. There are no words to lessen it. Please know I think of your family every day and I have shared Caitlin’s message with my family, siblings and friends. We all agree we need to be better people. Caitlin’s message is powerful. May you find peace in your heart. Your daughter was a very special person….

  3. I felt so sad reading your post tonight but I know that is what life is like after losing such a cherished person as Caitlin was to you and her dad and Andrew. When my dad was in the hospital for the last time, He said to me that I must have known that he could not be here forever. My answer was then and still is, that I no I did not understand that at all. I still have a phone message from him and he died Oct. 2nd 2013 at 3:00 in the afternoon. I know it is different for you because Caitlin was your child who was not suppose to die before you but I think I understand at least little. The most challenging thing in my life has been to figure out how to live without him and I am still learning how to do that. I am reminded of something that Caitlin wrote, “I hope if something happens to me that those who love me can keep living while still remembering me” and that is what will be in time. Much love to you and Nick and a special little hug for Henry.

    Take Care,

  4. My Dear Maryanne, the absence, the emptiness, the loneliness… My heart aches for you so much. The desperate need to phone her, text her, hear her voice. Your darling Caitlin was an angel on earth. A true inspiration to all who knew her and knew of her. Her extraordinary and remarkable being earned her wings to another place… a beautiful place where she will continue her journey, an awfully big adventure, on another level. You will see her again in that special place, my friend. I wish I could ease the pain of loss. I send light, love and prayers for peace and strength. You are in my every thought. My love to you. xx

  5. My heart is breaking for you all.
    “It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”
    ― Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy

  6. I was thinking about you all day… thinking how everyone would leave and the quiet would come. I have no wisdom to share about how to endure grief. It’s a mystery to me that we can keep living while feeling so much pain. I love Caitlin’s line quoted above… “I hope if something happens to me that those who love me can keep living while still remembering me”. ❤

  7. Dear Maryanne,
    Thank you for the beautiful postings and videos. It was very kind of you to share with all of us. I have thought of you every day and Caitlin. There are no words for this grief. You are allowing yourself to “be”. Simply being in the day and being in the moment is sometimes all we can do with our grief…and do what ever it is you want to do or not do. There is no right or wrong way with this journey. My heart aches for you.

  8. Dear Maryanne,
    Thank you for your posts. It means so much that you trust us enough to witness this incredibly painful time in your life. I hope the love here helps you somehow…
    Keeping you all close to my heart. ❤❤❤

  9. We all need for you to make a promise to Caitlin and us that you will not isolate yourself. Please keep blogging and sharing your pain and loss. We are here for you, Nick, Henry and family🙏🙏🙏

  10. Mary Cindrich – you said it well. I don’t know Maryanne and Nick but I am panicked when I don’t read a blog for fear that Maryanne is shutting down. On the other hand, to pause….is ok, too. If people don’t write in the reply section, it doesn’t mean that people aren’t checking on you, Maryanne.

  11. My friend, Please know that every hour I am thinking of you and asking the angels of light to surround you, and though of course there will be these unspeakably difficult days, you continue to gift all of us with your writings about Caitlin, about grief, about what often feels like the impossibility of taking steps into another day. Brave, dear soul, I believe you and Caitlin are working together now, that your words are infused with both your spirit and hers, and I bet sometimes you can feel that. During the brutally hard times, please remember I am sending my love north to where you are!

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